The Mocha Diaries #1 - Nightmare.

1:34 AM

I just got home from a crazy nightmare. 


7am. 

I woke up feeling so uneasy. The fact that I still have school to take care of. Moments later I head down stairs seeing my mom using her phone and ofcourse a daily 'Good Morning' routine with Cappuccino (our puppy). So anyway, when it was 9 o'clock I head to the showers and started my "before-going-to-school" routine. Like getting ready and stuff. 

When I went up and changed, the weather seemed so hot and it was suffocating but I didn't bother to turn on the ac since I could take the heat. 

10am. 

I heard my mom assisting Cappuccino after his bath down stairs. Then I heard her breathe heavily. Like she was trying to breathe out to pump up her heart. I was startled and I stood up to see what's happening. She climb upstairs calling my name. She sat down my bed in front of my electric fan because she was in need of air. 

She couldn't take it again and went straight to her bedroom and used the electric fan there instead. I don't see any difference. She plans on going to the hospital for a check up alone since no one was there to accompany her. Good thing my class doesn't start until 11am. So I volunteered to take her straight to the hospital near our street. 

Luckily our place is just a whole block away from the hospital so we headed straight to the ER. The doctors and nurses quickly attended us with oxygen, ECG and blood pressure test. All this wires were all being attached to her. 

And then I started to shake. Deep down I was so nonplussed I didn't know what to do. My mom brought with her, her two wallets an umbrella and ofcourse her phone. Which she left it all for me to hold on to. I had no bags or any place to put them. I carried most of them with both of my hands. 

I was the only one in the house to help her. I had no choice. And not choosing is not part of my choices. I need to. 

When I was a bit calmed, I decided to send a message to my dad and my brother and ofcourse, Rin to inform her that I won't be attending class today. 

My Dad called. I went outside for a better signal and I heard my voice shaking and forcing myself not to cry. The sound of his voice made me want to hug someone and bury my face on their chest and just cry. At the same time, his voice reassured me that nothing bad is going to happen. 

11am. 

A few moments later my dad asked my uncle to visit us and to check my mother's condition. Since my dad was still in Cebu working. When I saw my uncle I was slightly tearing up but I still don't want anyone (or him) seeing it. He lent us some money and left because they still have a family getaway to attend to. 

A little while later my brother called asking where I was. I went out the ER to fetch him by the entrance and he saw me. We headed back to ER and right then I saw my brother hugged my mom and started to cry. 

That moment, I felt my tears falling and my breathing heavy. As if I'm already sniffling without my whole senses knowing. 

The fact that this was the first time my mom was charged into an emergency room and got admitted to the hospital. We're a healthy family. We had sickness, ofcourse. No doubt about that. But we never got admitted to the hospital for a serious disease. And that, my mom.. the most important member of our family is at stake? I wasn't ready seeing her so weak and helpless. 

The feeling that I wished I was there suffering instead of her. I'm young. I can recover. But her? Serving our whole family for 40 years? She has half of a chance of surviving. She's getting old. Her body resistance is getting weak, I can't imagine my whole life without her. 

She's basically the most important person in my life. I had tough times with her but who doesn't have tough times with their parents? Despite all that. My love for her is much greater than seeing all of her flaws combined. 

11:30am

I went back to our house and checked if our dogs was fine and I manage to clean a part of the house while my mom was still in the hospital. 

When I was in her room getting her clothes, I broke down and cried. I cried so hard that my eyes turned tomato red. And my voice was muffling trying to keep my voice down. I was on my knees shaking and praying. Asking, not yet not now. 

I went down as I bought the things with me in a bag and mopped the floor since Cappuccino made a mess in the living room. I felt like Cinderella being punished doing chores while crying. It was inevitable. It's cliche but I don't care. Tears won't stop falling. 

12nn. 

She was in a stabled condition and we were accompanied up to her private room and ate our lunch there. 

Her nurses are always checking her BP for every 15-20 minutes for 4 hours. My brother already bought plane tickets for my dad to fly back here in Manila to attend to my mom. 

And by exactly 10:20pm. 

Seeing my whole family in one room with my mom, I felt secured. I felt safe again. I'm the youngest in our family of four. I have an older brother who acts as if he's still 18. And my dad is a year older than my mom. 

I was scared, it's a given. I felt all alone when my mom was in the emergency room. I felt that I'm not ready for this. But in that moment, I felt so relieved that everyone's here, with me. Taking care of Mom. 

The feeling that I wish I'll just wake up in this scary nightmare that I never want to happen ever again. But no, I woke up to reality. 

-----

That's it for Mocha Diaries #1. I hope you all felt my emotions in this entry. Here's a sneak peek of the emotional/emo side of Mocha. 

But seriously, please pray for my mom's recovery. She's still being observed in the hospital and we'll still see the results tomorrow. All I need now is prayers. 

And for my friends who's been making me smile despite my state, thank you. A big fat thank you for trying and doing such a simple thing for me. And for those who constantly checks up on me and  my mom's condition, thank you. I don't know how to express my gratitude to all of you. /happytears. 

May God bless you all. 
Have a good night ;) 

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All photos in this blog are from © Monica Chavez unless stated otherwise. Please do not steal them & use without permission. Comments & Suggestions are welcomed.